Agronomist

For most, Breaking ground never looks pretty,  soothing or

inspiring. The farmer reaches down on one knee,  holding a clump of dirt and can almost taste the sweet melons.

For most,  the shit that happens in the fields of our daily lives we discard with disdain and dissemination,  if not out and out bitching on Facebook or blogs... to anyone who will listen. Hovering like annoying flies over dung,  until we swat those thoughts away.

For most, we give up on a richer harvest because we  only see emotional defecation. Oh, but the haggard old agronomist knows different.  He sees the soil of the soul watered with each tear and uses the manure as fertilizer.  It is not a novel or new idea, it is simply a choice. Practical and useful.

The Seasons have changed,
Choose compassion.
It is the richest harvest of all.

Choose Love,
It is the only thing worth yielding.

Gardners

The power of now.... washing away the stain of yesterday. My eyes are opening up to a new vision.  True things brought to light.  Liberating the same caged wanderers.  What of this lifetime?  Gone in an instant.  Maybe we were lied to? Does it show in whatever you love?
What if you loved with no fear of abandonment? ? I will not keep from the best part of being alive because of fear. I choose love because it is the best part of living.  Perhaps,  it is the only way to grow our Souls in a desire for wholeness. Messy gardens,  yield much more fruit. Don't worry about getting your hands dirty. .. You are the Gardner

of your Soul!
 I will wait for you with flowers, celebrating your return to the power of now. ..  and all its possibilities.

Delusion

Traps dripping with nectar
Hungry birds and bees,
Obscured
Instinctual needs,
Lured
To sleep.

Awakened 
Wings heavy with shame
Caught in the web
The pain
The lie.





"Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth."
Ludwig born

 

Breakfast at Jalisco's

I sat and sipped my morning fix, cáfe con leché... waiting for the Senorita's to bring my taco's.

He slowly approached the register with a crumpled ticket, pale green with a smudge of grease. His eyes tired with gray edging the brown color ... he spoke even slower than he walked but his gentleness pierced the morning fog. She lit up to hear him tell her how he had two teeth pulled and how he has not been able to eat till today. She, young enough to be his great grand daughter, with hair combed back tight, darker than an oil slick, rich and smooth, pulled back in a pony.

He knew her by name and she smiled at him with a gentleness and respect that filled the room...  that exchange of energy between them spilled over me, (exceeding the cup of coffee jolt) -- an accidental Grace, unexpected and in the least likely of places. Gracias a Dios.

That we may hear

"We are members of the human race." -Thomas Merton

Our job is to love people, one person at a time, and to cultivate enough interior silence right where we are so that our presence becomes a respite from the ever-increasing din, and for those few who manage to “hear” our silence, we can function as living icons of the mystery, inviting them — and everyone — into a restful place where anything might be possible.

So what does this have to do with a a daily prayer practice, a commitment to reciting the Psalms or lectio divina or centering prayer or any other kind of formal practice? I think the only real answer here is “it depends.” Each individual, or family, or small community, will have to work out its own way of daily nurturing intimacy with God and the cultivation of contemplative silence. Back to Merton: “I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere.” There is no program, no method, no required liturgy. We are simply called into the presence of God, in silence and solitude, in the midst of the city. How do we respond to this call? One breath at a time. -- Carl McColman

So, what happens when we fail miserably to love other- unconditionally? What of that? When our inner pain and broken selves keep us from loving who and what we are? What then??

Carl says it best... "There is no program, no method... We are simply called into the presence of God, in silence and solitude... One breath at a time."

Each breath a gift... Spirit teach us to see God everywhere.

Delizza

NEVER AGAIN

salt falls
on ink blue ocean
like bullets
in slow motion
deafening sound
Soul can not drown-
machine gun
angry stacatto
death of a love song.

RAMPARTS

There you are
Still telling me what to do.
So here i am
Not waiting for you...


There is no invisible string
Tied too thin-
Only the Wind
Blowing where She wants to sing.

Like Swayze said
I'm a young- old -Man...

Still -Waking up is the plan
I never do the best i can.

Thank you for this exercise-
Learning is always a surprise...

Letting go into the fall
These walls,
Not too tall at all.

Wounded Healers

She keeps looking at me

For something that's wrong...

And I promise her that,

It will not take long.

I don't think we were placed here

For perfection,

But to Love and Forgive ...

For our own Redemption...

Wounded Healers...

Will tell you no lies.

AA Texas Convention 2011

Has it been a year since I last blogged? Time flows like a rushing river... splashing over and over the winding path... its time to enjoy the ride! :)

There were 1,400 sober men and women at this years convention... and the gist of it all- reminds me what all of us together can do, that alone we could not. There were a couple of speakers that talked about transformation that takes place in one who pursues the Spiritual Path... but what of those who do not make it? What of those who die or remain in an irritable and painful state while attempting to do this Spiritual Practice.... are they "losers" for not having had the transformation? NO!! Not at all.... Some people who have heart disease recover, ... others do not. Some people with diabetes can contain the disease.... other's die from it. It is a disease, period. End of story.

At one of the breaks in between speakers, a woman waves at me frantically~ "Hello, remember me?" Her beauty was striking and I thought, ... surely, I would have remembered this woman if we had met... "Um, maybe we met at a meeting here or in San Marcos?" I was grasping, trying to connect the dots... "No, she said... and I could see the disappoint me in her eyes...

The next day, she grabbed me and pulled me to the side, " You used to work at the Women's Shelter" and you shared your story of Recovery... you have greatly impacted my life and I Just wanted to tell you thank you!" I was washed away in that River, this time of gratitude for our paths having crossed... for the chance to throw a Life Jacket, Hope. So that she too can have the chance and miracle of a life of happiness, joy and freedom!!!!! Grace permeates all... whether we grab a hold of the Hope, or die from the not being able to latch on.. . . We are just passing thru this life after all... and the Old man river.... Fr. Time, never lets us forget.

Gratitude

Where does the time go ?? I turned the page this new year by moving into San Antonio and it has been a fast read... I'm finding myself wanting to slow down and enjoy this place. . .

It has occurred to me that I have been hurried about the "business" of taking care of others and have hardly noticed that the majority of the summer has gone by. This quiet miracle, that has not demanded pomp or blinding lights has not gone unnoticed... it has secretly been slipped under the Tree. The heat has lost its fierce punch , much as the cold winter morn bares no bite in the midst of all the presents!!

Gratitude... it changes EVERYTHING. :-)

Poem by Rumi

LOOKING FOR LOVE

A strange passion is moving in my head.
My heart has become a bird
which searches in the sky.
Every part of me goes in different directions.
Is it really so that the one
I love is everywhere?
--rumi

... in the middle of the dark... storm, pouring rain. The illuminating sun. In the love making and the heart breaking. God is in the middle of it all. Do not cage the bird or clip its wings and it will return from love to love.

--delizza

Not Home Yet

Sand blowing hard, castles in the shifting places...

Some call "home".

I roam the present moment...

Clinging to its power and becoming less and less

What I thought "I" ... should be.

No fan of Politics but.....

Politics are not my favorite thing to discuss, basically because the political system is inherently wrought with indecencies... at the expense of basic goodness. However, I will admit to voting primarily for Democrats... yes, I vote. Everyone should.

President Obama is a decent man, if not a gifted orator and brilliant in his diplomacy. However, I do pray for our President. I can see that there are things that would make any man, go insane with the type of pressure that he is subject to. . . After all, he did not create these wars or the massive economic collapse... Course the average American could give a shit about any of that! THEY WANT RESULTS NOW!!! FIX US!!! PULL US OUT OF THIS MESS!!! The screaming demands of a county and a culture addicted to instant gratification. Collective Addicts.. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

Look "YA'LL" .... give the man eight years to turn things around... lets be uncomfortable with exacting the wealthy to pay more taxes and lets strive for the poor having enough to eat, a place to sleep and medicine to keep them alive. Oh ... for crying out loud, how is that "socialism?" .... You self centered bastards have had your turn at bat... and beat the poor to death. How about letting your swollen ego's off the necks of the underprivileged long enough to let them regain their dignity, their hope... let "change" do its surgical ousting of that which has long since cost American's their most precious asset ... their SOUL.

Small Closets

You are sure my life is broken.
You are praying for my wholeness-
Albeit simple ...
it's not bad.

I'm looking through tinsel and
I don't want what 'you' call Love...
Though you sing rather sweetly of ---

Your words, attractive yet empty;
Generic, clean of any tell...
Hallowed be the lie
Death in a golden shell.

For having known love and what that means
In its fullness, it is free
Of bridled words or schemes.

No... I'm not perfect
Who wants to live that lie?

I'm simply saying
There are worse things than goodbye.

Small closets... no growth in staying.
Small closets... where Souls slowly die.

Carrying the Message

"If you are you are your own worst enemy, you have no defense." - The Way is Within

Tonight I spoke to twenty women or so that ranged in ages from 21-55 yrs old. The light in some of their eyes had long since been extinguished due to violent, abusive relationships. At first, I thought, what do I have in common with these women? What could I possibly say to them that could reach them or be any kind of message... but thats just the "me" that is small minded and limited. The truth is, these women and I share Life. We have more in common than we allow ourselves to be comfortable with.... we want so desperately to fit into neat little categories. "Straight, Gay, Mexican, Catholic, Protestant, Upper Class, Middle Class, Lower Class, Alcoholics, etc.

I have never been in an abusive relationship or feared for my life the way these women have... but I have had my heart broken and clung to things that were not "good" for me because somehow, I thought it was the price to pay to be loved or not loved... holding on to the very thing that was causing me pain because in some way, pain had been all too familiar to me-- and it was one way of knowing that I was still alive... sounds crazy, yes... it is!! The one thing that binds us to each other is OUR PAIN... Looking into their eyes and telling them to LOVE their selves for who they are, not who others think they SHOULD be.... to look in the mirror and know that they are LOVED by a God of their own understanding takes a lot of work. All too often we make our significant others our Higher Power... and when that is an alcoholic or addict... they make for TERRIBLE Higher Powers.... an old timer will shrug and say, "You can not find your Higher Power if you are sleeping with her!!" ... Sigh.... damn that ol' timer! There must be at least ten sermons worth in that statement alone, for codependant men and women.

Changing our image of ourselves is IMPOSSIBLE in my experience, with out God. I spoke a lot about God tonight... and the counselors cringed because they had instructed me to not talk about God.... HAHAHAHAHA!!! I don't know how anyone could expect me to tell my little story and leaving out the main character. Alanon or any other 12 step group could never work without GOD!!! I mean, the whole of the 12 steps are all about Spiritual growth.... and so it is. I broke the rules yet again. I think that is a good thing.... its important to note that I take great care when referring to God... because God is sooo immense I know She/He would want to be found on ones own journey... in other words, it would be wrong of me to tell you how "I'' view God... the important thing is to embark on the search for Faith in a Higher Power... "ask, seek, and you will find".... I've seen it happen over and over again. I've seen men who are street smart and others who are far too educated to get the God idea... I mistakenly judge them. One day, they are gleaming, productive people.... President of companies and Mothers of tenderness, joy and wisdom.... a Free people indeed!!... So we hold hands at the end of each meeting... even the "screaming" meetings, because God is even in that... mess. God loves us. End of Story. Now.... its just time to pass it on to others who are still struggling and in pain. That's what we do.... and I'm damn glad to do it !!!

Inaction - In action

Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.
--Henri Nouwen


There was a time in my life when the sound of silence would cause me unspeakable angst. I had to call a friend or turn on the t.v. even if I had no interest in what was on... The thought of being alone was bad enough but silence?? The chaos (unknown to me at the time) in my mind would not allow it! I've used people, places and things, so as not to feel the wounded Soul that lay just beneath the 'noise'....
I read self help books of every kind, went to therapy for years, worked ungodly hours, spoke entirely too much about nothing of value.... and still could not bare to be alone for a day. It seemed nothing was helping till I was told the value of doing "nothing." It sounds easy enough to do... but it was not easy at all. It meant sitting with myself and feeling the pain of forgotten wounds, much deeper than I could have imagined. It meant being ok with feeling uncomfortable and anxious and frightened ... and not have any clue as to why those feelings were there.... or where they came from. It meant trusting that God loved me and desired to heal me, even if I could not love myself. This did not happen all at once... I venture to say, having a Spiritual Mentor who guided me and encouraged me to "sit and be still," was a supreme grace for me.

Today I see my wounds as redemptive ... it is what makes me Christian. I no longer hide from them or fear them as making me 'unworthy'. My limitations and weaknesses are used by God and for Her purposes... if I allow it to be. Being vulnerable is not a quality that Americans value on a secular scale.... but Christians know, 'when we are weakest, God is strongest.' We are called to be counter cultural as Christ was... and STILL IS !!!

To listen in silence... gives rise to authentic speech... and to embrace my autonomy, creates true opportunity for community.

Vicissitude

"Fools Rush In", it's been said.
Slowly entering the eye of a needle by a thread...
Weaving together true colors;
Yellow, Blue and Red-
A pattern discernible by few others.

Its a bird, not a plane-
An eagle of brilliant feathers...
Gliding as an unspoken word-
In flight of such pain... that fear
She will never name.

HONESTY vs. EGO

"The search for truth is the noblest expression of the Soul.... When not actively sought, truth seldom comes to light, but falsehood does. Truth is life and falsity is spiritual death. Honesty is not a policy. It has to be a constant conscious state of mind. -- We may bring ourselves to believe almost anything by rationalization (another one of our fine arts), and so it's well to begin and end our inquiry with the question, "is it true?"
It is much simpler to appear to be honest than to be honest. We must strive to be in reality what we appear to be. Our searching self-inventories help because the man who knows himself is at least on the doorstep of honesty. Our instinct for exhibitionism, even though held in check, is a foe of honesty. When we try to enhance our our stature in the eyes of others, dishonesty is there in the shadows..."
--from The Oxford Group "Four Absolutes"

Having some synchronicity bends my attention to what messages there may be in it. Recently I have read 3 books about basically the same thing. All three books were given to me by different people who said, " I thought you'd like to read this." It used to be this kind of crap would rattle me and I'd chalk it up to "coincidence." However, today.... its very different.
The Ego that I am speaking to here, is what we in AA call the False Self. It feeds primarily on 2 lies, 1.) that I'm better than you and 2.)that I am not good enough.
Once the Ego is well fed it gives birth to some neurotic shit like greed, selfishness, manipulation, delusion. It totally distorts the Truth. The truth that we were created to love and be loved. We live in a society the tells us to, grab the brass ring, make the grade, be the funniest, be the prettiest, be the best you can be because who you are will never be enough, its what you DO that validates you.
OK, I'm not promoting sloth here (another lovely defect of mine) but I am speaking to not living the lie that tells you to look out for number one! Ego is smooth, self serving and smart. It is an energy that feeds on fear and it is an enemy of the humble. Countries and some male patriarchy's are EGO driven to the bone... and sitting here thinking of how hard it is to pursue Truth in all area's of my life, I wonder... is it ever possible for a collective society to realize this?? The whole system is inherently polluted by EGO. A system of lies, a system that would look the other way when someone is hungry, sick or unlike the "norm" to care if they are being discriminated against... This seems to me, the antithesis of Love... Jesus had a solution but we were too afraid then, as we are now, to part with our False Kingdom...

To be honest with myself... is the best defense I have against that insidious demon (EGO)that warps my thinking and robs me of serenity, now. Its no wonder we live in a cross addicted society; more drink, more food, more money, more sex, more, more, more. I don't think "hell" is not having enough,... its the FEAR that what you have or who you are, is never enough.


an AA acronym:
"Edging
God
Out"

Birds that Fly

People write for different reasons... as in anything else. Have you met a loving and kind Dr. whose vocation is to help the sick? The genuine care beams through her eyes and gentle demeanor... then there are those Dr's that cause you to wonder how this person ever got into the "helping other people business"... calculating, detached and cold. I'm just saying....

Eckhart Tolle is hopefully one of those writers, who writes because he must respond to his "calling" to share what was freely given to him... his monetary success an incidental. Who could hold that against him? Surely, if Oprah endorses your work, chances are the money will fall in... ;-)

So thinking about the few things I've learned over the years, few things have helped more than writing. The patterns, the tone, the rhythm, the truth, however small and subject to change... the change.

There is no danger of writing to get rich... chances of lightening striking are much better! :) And there is no supposing that the thoughts written here will heal or help anyone, unless Providence would have it as such. Simply put, when a thought is yearning to get out of my head, much like a caged bird... The door is opened and out flies the fowl. One solitary, unspectacular feathered creature amongst thousands of others. "Free as a bird" and the joy that comes in being just... that.

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,

Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear
He is in such a "playful drunken mood"
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.

From: 'The Gift'--HAFIZ
Translated by Daniel Ladinksy




yes. she does tire of speaking sweetly... to ears that have polished words to numb the message.