No fan of Politics but.....

Politics are not my favorite thing to discuss, basically because the political system is inherently wrought with indecencies... at the expense of basic goodness. However, I will admit to voting primarily for Democrats... yes, I vote. Everyone should.

President Obama is a decent man, if not a gifted orator and brilliant in his diplomacy. However, I do pray for our President. I can see that there are things that would make any man, go insane with the type of pressure that he is subject to. . . After all, he did not create these wars or the massive economic collapse... Course the average American could give a shit about any of that! THEY WANT RESULTS NOW!!! FIX US!!! PULL US OUT OF THIS MESS!!! The screaming demands of a county and a culture addicted to instant gratification. Collective Addicts.. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

Look "YA'LL" .... give the man eight years to turn things around... lets be uncomfortable with exacting the wealthy to pay more taxes and lets strive for the poor having enough to eat, a place to sleep and medicine to keep them alive. Oh ... for crying out loud, how is that "socialism?" .... You self centered bastards have had your turn at bat... and beat the poor to death. How about letting your swollen ego's off the necks of the underprivileged long enough to let them regain their dignity, their hope... let "change" do its surgical ousting of that which has long since cost American's their most precious asset ... their SOUL.

Small Closets

You are sure my life is broken.
You are praying for my wholeness-
Albeit simple ...
it's not bad.

I'm looking through tinsel and
I don't want what 'you' call Love...
Though you sing rather sweetly of ---

Your words, attractive yet empty;
Generic, clean of any tell...
Hallowed be the lie
Death in a golden shell.

For having known love and what that means
In its fullness, it is free
Of bridled words or schemes.

No... I'm not perfect
Who wants to live that lie?

I'm simply saying
There are worse things than goodbye.

Small closets... no growth in staying.
Small closets... where Souls slowly die.

Carrying the Message

"If you are you are your own worst enemy, you have no defense." - The Way is Within

Tonight I spoke to twenty women or so that ranged in ages from 21-55 yrs old. The light in some of their eyes had long since been extinguished due to violent, abusive relationships. At first, I thought, what do I have in common with these women? What could I possibly say to them that could reach them or be any kind of message... but thats just the "me" that is small minded and limited. The truth is, these women and I share Life. We have more in common than we allow ourselves to be comfortable with.... we want so desperately to fit into neat little categories. "Straight, Gay, Mexican, Catholic, Protestant, Upper Class, Middle Class, Lower Class, Alcoholics, etc.

I have never been in an abusive relationship or feared for my life the way these women have... but I have had my heart broken and clung to things that were not "good" for me because somehow, I thought it was the price to pay to be loved or not loved... holding on to the very thing that was causing me pain because in some way, pain had been all too familiar to me-- and it was one way of knowing that I was still alive... sounds crazy, yes... it is!! The one thing that binds us to each other is OUR PAIN... Looking into their eyes and telling them to LOVE their selves for who they are, not who others think they SHOULD be.... to look in the mirror and know that they are LOVED by a God of their own understanding takes a lot of work. All too often we make our significant others our Higher Power... and when that is an alcoholic or addict... they make for TERRIBLE Higher Powers.... an old timer will shrug and say, "You can not find your Higher Power if you are sleeping with her!!" ... Sigh.... damn that ol' timer! There must be at least ten sermons worth in that statement alone, for codependant men and women.

Changing our image of ourselves is IMPOSSIBLE in my experience, with out God. I spoke a lot about God tonight... and the counselors cringed because they had instructed me to not talk about God.... HAHAHAHAHA!!! I don't know how anyone could expect me to tell my little story and leaving out the main character. Alanon or any other 12 step group could never work without GOD!!! I mean, the whole of the 12 steps are all about Spiritual growth.... and so it is. I broke the rules yet again. I think that is a good thing.... its important to note that I take great care when referring to God... because God is sooo immense I know She/He would want to be found on ones own journey... in other words, it would be wrong of me to tell you how "I'' view God... the important thing is to embark on the search for Faith in a Higher Power... "ask, seek, and you will find".... I've seen it happen over and over again. I've seen men who are street smart and others who are far too educated to get the God idea... I mistakenly judge them. One day, they are gleaming, productive people.... President of companies and Mothers of tenderness, joy and wisdom.... a Free people indeed!!... So we hold hands at the end of each meeting... even the "screaming" meetings, because God is even in that... mess. God loves us. End of Story. Now.... its just time to pass it on to others who are still struggling and in pain. That's what we do.... and I'm damn glad to do it !!!

Inaction - In action

Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.
--Henri Nouwen


There was a time in my life when the sound of silence would cause me unspeakable angst. I had to call a friend or turn on the t.v. even if I had no interest in what was on... The thought of being alone was bad enough but silence?? The chaos (unknown to me at the time) in my mind would not allow it! I've used people, places and things, so as not to feel the wounded Soul that lay just beneath the 'noise'....
I read self help books of every kind, went to therapy for years, worked ungodly hours, spoke entirely too much about nothing of value.... and still could not bare to be alone for a day. It seemed nothing was helping till I was told the value of doing "nothing." It sounds easy enough to do... but it was not easy at all. It meant sitting with myself and feeling the pain of forgotten wounds, much deeper than I could have imagined. It meant being ok with feeling uncomfortable and anxious and frightened ... and not have any clue as to why those feelings were there.... or where they came from. It meant trusting that God loved me and desired to heal me, even if I could not love myself. This did not happen all at once... I venture to say, having a Spiritual Mentor who guided me and encouraged me to "sit and be still," was a supreme grace for me.

Today I see my wounds as redemptive ... it is what makes me Christian. I no longer hide from them or fear them as making me 'unworthy'. My limitations and weaknesses are used by God and for Her purposes... if I allow it to be. Being vulnerable is not a quality that Americans value on a secular scale.... but Christians know, 'when we are weakest, God is strongest.' We are called to be counter cultural as Christ was... and STILL IS !!!

To listen in silence... gives rise to authentic speech... and to embrace my autonomy, creates true opportunity for community.

Vicissitude

"Fools Rush In", it's been said.
Slowly entering the eye of a needle by a thread...
Weaving together true colors;
Yellow, Blue and Red-
A pattern discernible by few others.

Its a bird, not a plane-
An eagle of brilliant feathers...
Gliding as an unspoken word-
In flight of such pain... that fear
She will never name.

HONESTY vs. EGO

"The search for truth is the noblest expression of the Soul.... When not actively sought, truth seldom comes to light, but falsehood does. Truth is life and falsity is spiritual death. Honesty is not a policy. It has to be a constant conscious state of mind. -- We may bring ourselves to believe almost anything by rationalization (another one of our fine arts), and so it's well to begin and end our inquiry with the question, "is it true?"
It is much simpler to appear to be honest than to be honest. We must strive to be in reality what we appear to be. Our searching self-inventories help because the man who knows himself is at least on the doorstep of honesty. Our instinct for exhibitionism, even though held in check, is a foe of honesty. When we try to enhance our our stature in the eyes of others, dishonesty is there in the shadows..."
--from The Oxford Group "Four Absolutes"

Having some synchronicity bends my attention to what messages there may be in it. Recently I have read 3 books about basically the same thing. All three books were given to me by different people who said, " I thought you'd like to read this." It used to be this kind of crap would rattle me and I'd chalk it up to "coincidence." However, today.... its very different.
The Ego that I am speaking to here, is what we in AA call the False Self. It feeds primarily on 2 lies, 1.) that I'm better than you and 2.)that I am not good enough.
Once the Ego is well fed it gives birth to some neurotic shit like greed, selfishness, manipulation, delusion. It totally distorts the Truth. The truth that we were created to love and be loved. We live in a society the tells us to, grab the brass ring, make the grade, be the funniest, be the prettiest, be the best you can be because who you are will never be enough, its what you DO that validates you.
OK, I'm not promoting sloth here (another lovely defect of mine) but I am speaking to not living the lie that tells you to look out for number one! Ego is smooth, self serving and smart. It is an energy that feeds on fear and it is an enemy of the humble. Countries and some male patriarchy's are EGO driven to the bone... and sitting here thinking of how hard it is to pursue Truth in all area's of my life, I wonder... is it ever possible for a collective society to realize this?? The whole system is inherently polluted by EGO. A system of lies, a system that would look the other way when someone is hungry, sick or unlike the "norm" to care if they are being discriminated against... This seems to me, the antithesis of Love... Jesus had a solution but we were too afraid then, as we are now, to part with our False Kingdom...

To be honest with myself... is the best defense I have against that insidious demon (EGO)that warps my thinking and robs me of serenity, now. Its no wonder we live in a cross addicted society; more drink, more food, more money, more sex, more, more, more. I don't think "hell" is not having enough,... its the FEAR that what you have or who you are, is never enough.


an AA acronym:
"Edging
God
Out"

Birds that Fly

People write for different reasons... as in anything else. Have you met a loving and kind Dr. whose vocation is to help the sick? The genuine care beams through her eyes and gentle demeanor... then there are those Dr's that cause you to wonder how this person ever got into the "helping other people business"... calculating, detached and cold. I'm just saying....

Eckhart Tolle is hopefully one of those writers, who writes because he must respond to his "calling" to share what was freely given to him... his monetary success an incidental. Who could hold that against him? Surely, if Oprah endorses your work, chances are the money will fall in... ;-)

So thinking about the few things I've learned over the years, few things have helped more than writing. The patterns, the tone, the rhythm, the truth, however small and subject to change... the change.

There is no danger of writing to get rich... chances of lightening striking are much better! :) And there is no supposing that the thoughts written here will heal or help anyone, unless Providence would have it as such. Simply put, when a thought is yearning to get out of my head, much like a caged bird... The door is opened and out flies the fowl. One solitary, unspectacular feathered creature amongst thousands of others. "Free as a bird" and the joy that comes in being just... that.