Saturday, June 13, 2009

Neither Cocky nor Araid

Those who know me, know that traditionally summer is a very difficult time for me. I could give a laundry list of "life changing events" that have happened over various summers...... but I'll spare ya. Suffice it to say, I have learned to take extra care of myself by doing the things that I know will keep me safe.

What is important to note, is I sobered up one summer about 17 years ago. (I only claim 16 yrs due to a marijuana incident.)

Two years after I quit drinking, that summer, all of my emotional world collapsed. I could not eat or sleep... I was besieged by an onslaught of fear, from every corner of my mind. My Sponsor was in Europe that summer, and since my "trust" account had long since been bankrupt... there was no one, no one I believed when they said, "you are not dying." My heart seemed to be ripping open with old wounds, bleeding with all the guck that wounds are filled with. How could I know that as my body shook with anxiety that the healing process had just begun? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I sobered up, have not taken a Motha F'n drink in TWO YEARS FOR THIS??
"Oh, they said, you ARE getting better!" ... Of course, they were right but it didn't matter because I did not believe any of them... surely, if they knew how my skin was on too tight they would understand and allow me safe passage to booze and other oblivion... but they would not. "IF YOUR ASS FALLS OFF, JUST DON'T DRINK".... wh-wh-what?? I felt trapped because I was too scared to believe in a Loving God and too afraid not to. So, after several trips to the E.R. to assure me that my heart had not imploded... and after several wrestling matches to get some food down my throat... the demons left... one by one... Until one day I realized that sleep had come for me and food actually tasted good again!!! OH, HAPPY DAY!!!

"We" can laugh about it now, because (she) walked through this "dark night" with me--- and we remember how hopeless it seemed... but now we realize how necessary that was because it changed everything. It crushed the god of my sickness and gave birth to a new God of my understanding.... a Loving and Gentle God.

The big book says, "We are miracles of mental health"... and I am here to tell you,
they shit you not!!

"We are neither cocky or afraid. That is our experience, that is how we react as long as we keep in fit Spiritual condition"... BB of AA


  1. D, I am always awed and inspired by your recovery reflections. Thanks for sharing. I know it's good for you to do so, but I hope you get a glimpse of the gift your writing is to others, too. Peace++

  2. Thank you. I suspect since I write about stuff most people do NOT like to talk about, I'll never know.

    However, you are right, writing is good for me... and if sharing my "experience, strength and Hope" helps someone, somehow, then that's a bonus! :)