Monday, September 28, 2009

Inaction - In action

Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.
--Henri Nouwen

There was a time in my life when the sound of silence would cause me unspeakable angst. I had to call a friend or turn on the t.v. even if I had no interest in what was on... The thought of being alone was bad enough but silence?? The chaos (unknown to me at the time) in my mind would not allow it! I've used people, places and things, so as not to feel the wounded Soul that lay just beneath the 'noise'....
I read self help books of every kind, went to therapy for years, worked ungodly hours, spoke entirely too much about nothing of value.... and still could not bare to be alone for a day. It seemed nothing was helping till I was told the value of doing "nothing." It sounds easy enough to do... but it was not easy at all. It meant sitting with myself and feeling the pain of forgotten wounds, much deeper than I could have imagined. It meant being ok with feeling uncomfortable and anxious and frightened ... and not have any clue as to why those feelings were there.... or where they came from. It meant trusting that God loved me and desired to heal me, even if I could not love myself. This did not happen all at once... I venture to say, having a Spiritual Mentor who guided me and encouraged me to "sit and be still," was a supreme grace for me.

Today I see my wounds as redemptive ... it is what makes me Christian. I no longer hide from them or fear them as making me 'unworthy'. My limitations and weaknesses are used by God and for Her purposes... if I allow it to be. Being vulnerable is not a quality that Americans value on a secular scale.... but Christians know, 'when we are weakest, God is strongest.' We are called to be counter cultural as Christ was... and STILL IS !!!

To listen in silence... gives rise to authentic speech... and to embrace my autonomy, creates true opportunity for community.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


"Fools Rush In", it's been said.
Slowly entering the eye of a needle by a thread...
Weaving together true colors;
Yellow, Blue and Red-
A pattern discernible by few others.

Its a bird, not a plane-
An eagle of brilliant feathers...
Gliding as an unspoken word-
In flight of such pain... that fear
She will never name.

Friday, September 4, 2009


"The search for truth is the noblest expression of the Soul.... When not actively sought, truth seldom comes to light, but falsehood does. Truth is life and falsity is spiritual death. Honesty is not a policy. It has to be a constant conscious state of mind. -- We may bring ourselves to believe almost anything by rationalization (another one of our fine arts), and so it's well to begin and end our inquiry with the question, "is it true?"
It is much simpler to appear to be honest than to be honest. We must strive to be in reality what we appear to be. Our searching self-inventories help because the man who knows himself is at least on the doorstep of honesty. Our instinct for exhibitionism, even though held in check, is a foe of honesty. When we try to enhance our our stature in the eyes of others, dishonesty is there in the shadows..."
--from The Oxford Group "Four Absolutes"

Having some synchronicity bends my attention to what messages there may be in it. Recently I have read 3 books about basically the same thing. All three books were given to me by different people who said, " I thought you'd like to read this." It used to be this kind of crap would rattle me and I'd chalk it up to "coincidence." However, today.... its very different.
The Ego that I am speaking to here, is what we in AA call the False Self. It feeds primarily on 2 lies, 1.) that I'm better than you and 2.)that I am not good enough.
Once the Ego is well fed it gives birth to some neurotic shit like greed, selfishness, manipulation, delusion. It totally distorts the Truth. The truth that we were created to love and be loved. We live in a society the tells us to, grab the brass ring, make the grade, be the funniest, be the prettiest, be the best you can be because who you are will never be enough, its what you DO that validates you.
OK, I'm not promoting sloth here (another lovely defect of mine) but I am speaking to not living the lie that tells you to look out for number one! Ego is smooth, self serving and smart. It is an energy that feeds on fear and it is an enemy of the humble. Countries and some male patriarchy's are EGO driven to the bone... and sitting here thinking of how hard it is to pursue Truth in all area's of my life, I wonder... is it ever possible for a collective society to realize this?? The whole system is inherently polluted by EGO. A system of lies, a system that would look the other way when someone is hungry, sick or unlike the "norm" to care if they are being discriminated against... This seems to me, the antithesis of Love... Jesus had a solution but we were too afraid then, as we are now, to part with our False Kingdom...

To be honest with myself... is the best defense I have against that insidious demon (EGO)that warps my thinking and robs me of serenity, now. Its no wonder we live in a cross addicted society; more drink, more food, more money, more sex, more, more, more. I don't think "hell" is not having enough,... its the FEAR that what you have or who you are, is never enough.

an AA acronym: