Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Today is the end of 2008... looking back its been wonderful!! Not perfect... Not terrible or unbelievably great ... but wonderful in ways that I might not have thought so in years passed. Perhaps this is one of the "gifts" of getting older. Like any Season hitting its peak, Full (not fat) and Alive (not high) before the next Season comes along and Changes everything... to a different kind of wonder-ful.

There is a pattern that has emerged in these years of late... intertwining colors braided with emotional waves of blues, pale pinks, golden threads; corazon red, smooth and coarse... weaved throughout my Soul.

There has not been answers to any of the "big" questions of my life... but who cares. Its the Freedom to find them that is important and I get that today. Perhaps as some poet so eloquently stated, "I will live out my questions into the answers without even noticing..." something like that.

2009 is knocking... and I cant wait for its unfolding.. day by beautiful day.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The great mystics are the paradigms and the amplifiers of a life of deep faith, hope, and love. They help us to hear the interior whispers and to see the faint flickers of truth and love in ourselves and others. By looking at their lives, we can frequently discover the obstacle in us to fully authentic human life. Looking into the lives of the great mystics will help to locate the compass of our hearts, to see what authentic human living is, and what our final purification, illumination, and transformation entail.

— Harvey D. Egan, S.J., What Are They Saying About Mysticism?

Having had the opportunity to earn a lot of money... it was great in as much as earning money goes... but it quickly depleted me of the inner stirrings of Faith and even Love... I guess the "ism" can be anything.. as in "materialism".

We need Mystics today more than ever.. to read about them, learn from them and perhaps even fly like them. Well, maybe not "fly" but be FREE OF the ways that prevent the "authentic human experience"... free of all the "ism's". Merton, Dali Lama, Mother Teresa, Teresa d' Avila...Juliana of Norwich to mention a few... that are worth studying.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Spiritual Axiom

"it is a Spiritual Axiom when anything disturbs me.. there is something wrong with me".... (pg. 90 12&12)

This makes me look at "my part" when things aren't going quite to my liking. It is a gentle reminder that I have more say over my attitude than I care to admit. Grrr.

What are my motives? Martydom is over rated, really. Perhaps detachment with Love is the answer when I can't change a situation that is painful to me.... poco a poco... it sinks in that I am a "a work in progress"...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Pope vs GLBTs

Pontiff still insisting its a choice... "choice" my a**.... Sorry its a long read....

"(The Church) should also protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man is needed," the pontiff said in a holiday address to the Curia, the Vatican's central administration."The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less."The Catholic Church teaches that while homosexuality is not sinful, homosexual acts are. It opposes gay marriage and, in October, a leading Vatican official called homosexuality "a deviation, an irregularity, a wound". (ouch)The pope said humanity needed to "listen to the language of creation" to understand the intended roles of man and woman. He compared behaviour beyond traditional heterosexual relations as "a destruction of God's work".
He also defended the Church's right to "speak of human nature as man and woman, and ask that this order of creation be respected".

and here is a response to the Pope by an informed blogger...

Just some added thoughts on listening to Nature to understand the roles of males and females. . ."In certain animal societies, sexual energy functions as a harmonizing influence. For example, animal studies have shown that at least 80% of the interactions between male giraffes are classified as “homosexual.” Giraffes are highly intelligent. They do not preemptively strike in pseudo self-defense, but they do protect themselves if directly threatened. Their hooves are heavy enough that, if attacked by a lion, they can seriously injure the lion by striking out. But they do not strike first; they are not violent creatures. The sexuality freely expressed between males in their species has the ultimate effect of lowering aggression.And then there are the Bonobo monkeys. . . When the group gathers together, the female Bonobos have sex with each other, and then the community eats. The Bonobos are not violent creatures, unlike the more sexually regimented Common Chimpanzee. In Bonobo life, the expression of sexual energy between females harmonizes the larger group. The Common Chimpanzee and the Bonobos are humans’ closest relatives in the animal kingdom.In human society, for thousands of years, we have documented our violent history to the point of people simply believing we are a violent species. We have split sexuality in half by making “heterosexuality” right and good and “homosexuality” wrong and bad. We have strictly encoded gender behavior to limit how men and women are allowed to express themselves. We elevate the male over the female to such an extent that to this day, in certain countries — and cultures, parents overwhelmingly choose to abort female children. Human men and women are thus heavily regimented, and violence is its own result in this intensive campaign against humanity and sexuality.Surely there is an interesting connection between violence and sexual suppression. . . The more we suppress an important part of ourselves, the more violent we become because an outlet is needed (after all sexual expression is necessary for reproduction, one key driver of evolution).. . "Whew! The more we procreate the more folks there will be to declare Holy War upon. . .Truly it is all upside down. . .UGH!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

La Tia

Today I took the morning off to go buy a pair of glasses. Seems in a "night terror" I somehow managed to break my "Nike" glasses. (sniffle, sniffle)

I called the Tia that Loves me and we drove off to take care of this matter. She was such a help as in what frame to choose, what color "worked" better for me... etc, etc. There are things that I am good at ... shopping in any form or fashion terrifies me. Its not that I dont like things.. its just the decision that I hate making (true Libra)... and so, I only buy things like "glasses" when they break and I have no recourse. ... I've outgrown the "taping" them together stage of my life... Thanks to Claire, who broke me of that and many other things of the like. Thank God....
There was a time she was ready to end our relationship over my inability to throw away "egg shells". I dunno why, I just put them back in the egg carton cracked and empty-- as if taking two steps to the trash can was too out-of-the-way... She broke down in tears one morning over this... and I thought... am I just "unconscious"? Because I could not remember to do that... no matter how hard I tried... :-( This took a lot of work-- but with a little more patience than she had and more conscious moments ...I was able to over come this unhygienic habit.

My Tia and I had a great morning together, giggling and saying "Falfurrias phrases". We ended it with a great lunch and a long discussion about Mother. She cried, as she usually does when we reminisce but I didn't. I laughed and acted goofy as usual when she and I get together. .. today, in large part because I needed to talk about Mom with someone who remembers her like I do and especially because, I needed help picking out new glasses!! I Love my Tia Erica and I know she Loves me... life is good.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Last night I met the funniest couple! She has been sober 25 yrs and he like 19. They talked about the importance of "helping others" and how much "it helps us" when we do. They talked about how much they Love this deal because their whole life has changed as a result. She weaved in Spiritual Principles through her profanity ... and then laughed when she said how she was approached by an older-timer telling her "vulgarity is not progress", to which she replied- "fuck you!". Yea, its like that!!! Thats how some of us roll... but there's love, love, love and you can feel it, no one has to really say it... Its been said, "Spirituality is to the Program what wet is to the Ocean"... lucky for me, I love to swim!

We overcome the evil in the world by the charity and compassion of God, and in so doing we drive all evil out of our own hearts.Thomas Merton No Man Is An Island: 163.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Woke up early, singing and celebrating the cold weather... danced a little to Lamari Chamboa for my morning meditation and exercise.
Got dressed, threw out the trash, fed Michaela and smiled as I looked forward to being early enough to help set up coffee or chairs.... reached for my keys..... where are my keys...???
OK so I have a small if not tiny 2 bedroom apt.. and one of them just has my exercise sh..tuff I never use.
Ran down stairs checked my truck... nada. Came back up stairs... looked everywhere for 45 minutes... I then got angry!!! Whatever H.P. I suppose this is you telling me I should NOT go to Worship... funny, how God gets blamed for my defects (unorginization). Last chance God... I envision Her yawning... with complete boredom at my dilema. OK DAMN IT!! I WANT to go do you mind?? A little help please??? I'm not sure if I shouted but if I didnt then my Cat Michaela could read my hostility as she darted under the couch....
In some last attempt before defeaat I went downstairs and asked the resident porch drinker.... hey L. have you seen some keys laying around? Maybe when I was moving in my new head boards they fell somewhere..." What I was secretly thinking is maybe this woman or her boyfriend took them. They had seen me struggling to bring in some furniture and offered to help and I let them into my apartment. She immediately jumped up and put her cigarettte down to help me once again, this time to search for my keys... once again, nada.

I walked back upstairs resigned that I would stay home and figure out how to get a key cut before work tomorrow... closing the door I looked down at my favorite Chant CD 'Hildegard Von Bingen".... and guess whatt was sticking out from under the case???? Instant shame.
It was not poor L.s fault and certainly not Gods fault... the lesson came early how I must continue to work on my character defects and quit looking for anyone or anything to blame.

Worship was worth the agony getting there.... what a gift that congregation is to God and each other. Next Sunday I will sleep with my keys hanging where they should be, so I can help set up for that is all it takes sometimes, to be a "part of" and these days thats not a bad thing to be.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

But for the Grace of God....

There's been a lifetime of not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, girly enough, manly enough.... and so I drank... not every day and not without invitation. I binged drank... but even when I wasn't drinking I'd romance it in my mind, salivating at the thought of a weekend drinking with ... um, what were their names? I can hardly remember now but at the time, we were seemingly very close.
I drank for effect, of course, but for me it was more like putting on an emotional wardrobe that made me feel ok INSIDE of my skin. I think the word is "cool"... but actually I was just drunk... and not giving a shit if you wrecked my car ... or kicked my cat... you get the idea. How could that make me feel better?? Oh yea, there were actually NO FEELINGS involved at that point and that worked for me!!!
One of the funniest things that came to light was when I heard a Catholic Priest from Berkley, CA. (how catholic can he really be) tell how he would get "high" and "drunk" and feel the need to talk about Spiritual things.... it absolutely SMASHED my uniqueness to hear him say so, because I did the very same thing and of course, there was no spirituality in THAT! We were just "drunk" and "high"... but ohhhh, how twisted perceptions keep us from reality. LoL The smarter some are the more fckd up we are because... *hic-up* they (we) may allow ourselves to live up in our heads instead of breaking out of self-centered universe. I had this experience the other night at a place where ex drinkers gather. The young man was absolutely gorgeous, dressed for GQ instead of the other 2 letters we go by... and he kept interrupting and arguing and berating how little "you people know" --- at first we flared up like Roosters getting ready to spur each other but then Big X took him out and we proceeded with our discussion... what struck me most was how one of the new men in our fellowship said, "you know, we choodnt judge thees man... we know what dis is like... and I never want to be that way again"... OOoff!! POW!! ACK! Here he is 60 days or something and he's got it!! He aint yelling or onery about any of it. He was humble in his realization "BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD THERE GO I"...
So, after the meeting I walked up to him (the wet one) while he was still slurring and debating our Big X and I hugged him... I hugged him so tight he got quiet so I was able to say to him... "whether you know it or not you are One of Us and whether you like it or not.. we already Love You!! Please Come Back..." A few days later he did just that and he apologized. Who knows if he'll stay with us or not but we sure do hope so.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Prepare and Make Way

We wait for the ineffable ... we call "God"... again and again, we learn how to let go so we can receive... to make room for the "Holy" to fill our emptiness.

Do not be ashamed of your grasping and pining-- its the One who Is that is summoning you... and me... though we know it not. The struggle ends when we surrender to the Truth that we are loved-- broken though we are ... wandering and estranged... but NEVER alone. Do we love as God Loves?? (Whatever that means)...

Our Love after all, should not be "lofty" and (can not be) "perfect".... only True.

Make way for the One who has come to set us free...