Saturday, December 20, 2008

But for the Grace of God....

There's been a lifetime of not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, girly enough, manly enough.... and so I drank... not every day and not without invitation. I binged drank... but even when I wasn't drinking I'd romance it in my mind, salivating at the thought of a weekend drinking with ... um, what were their names? I can hardly remember now but at the time, we were seemingly very close.
I drank for effect, of course, but for me it was more like putting on an emotional wardrobe that made me feel ok INSIDE of my skin. I think the word is "cool"... but actually I was just drunk... and not giving a shit if you wrecked my car ... or kicked my cat... you get the idea. How could that make me feel better?? Oh yea, there were actually NO FEELINGS involved at that point and that worked for me!!!
One of the funniest things that came to light was when I heard a Catholic Priest from Berkley, CA. (how catholic can he really be) tell how he would get "high" and "drunk" and feel the need to talk about Spiritual things.... it absolutely SMASHED my uniqueness to hear him say so, because I did the very same thing and of course, there was no spirituality in THAT! We were just "drunk" and "high"... but ohhhh, how twisted perceptions keep us from reality. LoL The smarter some are the more fckd up we are because... *hic-up* they (we) may allow ourselves to live up in our heads instead of breaking out of self-centered universe. I had this experience the other night at a place where ex drinkers gather. The young man was absolutely gorgeous, dressed for GQ instead of the other 2 letters we go by... and he kept interrupting and arguing and berating how little "you people know" --- at first we flared up like Roosters getting ready to spur each other but then Big X took him out and we proceeded with our discussion... what struck me most was how one of the new men in our fellowship said, "you know, we choodnt judge thees man... we know what dis is like... and I never want to be that way again"... OOoff!! POW!! ACK! Here he is 60 days or something and he's got it!! He aint yelling or onery about any of it. He was humble in his realization "BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD THERE GO I"...
So, after the meeting I walked up to him (the wet one) while he was still slurring and debating our Big X and I hugged him... I hugged him so tight he got quiet so I was able to say to him... "whether you know it or not you are One of Us and whether you like it or not.. we already Love You!! Please Come Back..." A few days later he did just that and he apologized. Who knows if he'll stay with us or not but we sure do hope so.

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