"If you are you are your own worst enemy, you have no defense." - The Way is Within
Tonight I spoke to twenty women or so that ranged in ages from 21-55 yrs old. The light in some of their eyes had long since been extinguished due to violent, abusive relationships. At first, I thought, what do I have in common with these women? What could I possibly say to them that could reach them or be any kind of message... but thats just the "me" that is small minded and limited. The truth is, these women and I share Life. We have more in common than we allow ourselves to be comfortable with.... we want so desperately to fit into neat little categories. "Straight, Gay, Mexican, Catholic, Protestant, Upper Class, Middle Class, Lower Class, Alcoholics, etc.
I have never been in an abusive relationship or feared for my life the way these women have... but I have had my heart broken and clung to things that were not "good" for me because somehow, I thought it was the price to pay to be loved or not loved... holding on to the very thing that was causing me pain because in some way, pain had been all too familiar to me-- and it was one way of knowing that I was still alive... sounds crazy, yes... it is!! The one thing that binds us to each other is OUR PAIN... Looking into their eyes and telling them to LOVE their selves for who they are, not who others think they SHOULD be.... to look in the mirror and know that they are LOVED by a God of their own understanding takes a lot of work. All too often we make our significant others our Higher Power... and when that is an alcoholic or addict... they make for TERRIBLE Higher Powers.... an old timer will shrug and say, "You can not find your Higher Power if you are sleeping with her!!" ... Sigh.... damn that ol' timer! There must be at least ten sermons worth in that statement alone, for codependant men and women.
Changing our image of ourselves is IMPOSSIBLE in my experience, with out God. I spoke a lot about God tonight... and the counselors cringed because they had instructed me to not talk about God.... HAHAHAHAHA!!! I don't know how anyone could expect me to tell my little story and leaving out the main character. Alanon or any other 12 step group could never work without GOD!!! I mean, the whole of the 12 steps are all about Spiritual growth.... and so it is. I broke the rules yet again. I think that is a good thing.... its important to note that I take great care when referring to God... because God is sooo immense I know She/He would want to be found on ones own journey... in other words, it would be wrong of me to tell you how "I'' view God... the important thing is to embark on the search for Faith in a Higher Power... "ask, seek, and you will find".... I've seen it happen over and over again. I've seen men who are street smart and others who are far too educated to get the God idea... I mistakenly judge them. One day, they are gleaming, productive people.... President of companies and Mothers of tenderness, joy and wisdom.... a Free people indeed!!... So we hold hands at the end of each meeting... even the "screaming" meetings, because God is even in that... mess. God loves us. End of Story. Now.... its just time to pass it on to others who are still struggling and in pain. That's what we do.... and I'm damn glad to do it !!!