Today and its path...

Along the way of Life, I have met some remarkable people. People who knew from birth what they were destined to do and be... those people absolutely ASTOUND me. They are inspirational and I find myself attracted to some of them, 'who know who they are'. It would be an under statement of the century to say I was not born "one of those people". After years of chasing what I might become in terms of employment and status and accumulation... I got extremely bored and tired and burnt out. I think this happens when there in no real vision for ones life beyond what is told it should be... and did I mention boredom? Boredom is a slippery slope for people like me, in that it reinforces my lack of discipline.

So... where am I going with all this? Who the hell knows! However, I do believe there are things that I am responsible for no matter if I figure out or not what I want to be when I grow up. It just seems to be a complete waste of energy to be mad about it anymore. God has never wanted to keep me from my dreams... but perhaps has allowed me to feel lost, so that I may find them, again and again... as too often I look away from today and the choices that I have before me.

Today, that's it... that is what I have and what I choose today will probably affect my tomorrow but--- tsk, tsk, tsk. Keep your eye's on the road before you, Delizza. Remember what 'binge thinker's like ole' Rob or Kat might say, " If you have one foot stuck in the past -and one foot in the future... you are in a perfect position to crap on today".

Those wise bastards. ;-)

The Desert

When it gets so hot outside that I do not want to move.... when my energy is dried up and The "Noon day demon" casts its shadow over the entire day, I do not lose hope.

I can feel the blazing heat and KNOW, it will not burn me up... looking into the Sunlight with guarded eyes, my sight is brilliant.

The desert brings up memories that are like prickly branches rubbing from
Within my mind and body... memories of loss;
A pruning of my Soul and not without the ache.

The sun burns off hidden delusions of grandeur.
I am next to nothing in the desert....
But am not dead...

Hope soothes me
Faith Keeps me.... fed.

“All sunshine makes the desert” --Arabian proverb

Facing Ourselves

Daily Reflections

RELEASE FROM FEAR

The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall
have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible
for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the
courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever
fears remain.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 61




Fear is part of the human experience but the choices we have surrounding them are Face Everything And Recover or Fuck Everything And Run ... but to remember that mostly it is False Events Appearing Real. I've used all 3 of these acronyms in the course of Recovery.... and its o.k. Today progress is what works, perfection never will. ... this is but a taste of the delicious life I've been given!

Easier Said than ...

It occurs to me that... if I were not so aware of my limitations (and they are many) and if I had nothing to work on,.... I'd be a royal bitch! Uppity and convinced that if YOU would do things my way or view the world as I do... YOU would be on the right path. Collective cyber LOL

See, today I recognize that as insane and at the very least without compassion. The part that I still struggle with is praying for others who would harm me or the ones I love.
But Jesus was not vague when He instructed us to, "Pray for our enemies"( and neither was my Sponsor!!) "Oh, sounds like you need to add someone to your prayer list." ARGH!!! I could not even "HEAR" that for the first 5 yrs of my Recovery but when I got desperate enough, I took Jesus and my Sponsors instruction.... and the darnedest thing happened, little by little, I loathed 'em less and less, till one day it was just NO BIG DEAL. I still did not want to have" hug fests" with these folks but they no longer occcupied my heart and mind with the toxicity which flowed over different areas of my life. As long as I look at my part and pray for their "happiness, health and love" that I wish for my loved ones, peace is restored.

Again the Paradoxes of "doing unto others"... it just sets us free. So if anyone or anything is binding your joy, pray for them--- do not worry about meaning it, just do it. It is Spirituality at its simplest and most diffficult .... but do it anyway. It really works, if you work it. Sound familiar? ;--)

Neither Cocky nor Araid

Those who know me, know that traditionally summer is a very difficult time for me. I could give a laundry list of "life changing events" that have happened over various summers...... but I'll spare ya. Suffice it to say, I have learned to take extra care of myself by doing the things that I know will keep me safe.

What is important to note, is I sobered up one summer about 17 years ago. (I only claim 16 yrs due to a marijuana incident.)

Two years after I quit drinking, that summer, all of my emotional world collapsed. I could not eat or sleep... I was besieged by an onslaught of fear, from every corner of my mind. My Sponsor was in Europe that summer, and since my "trust" account had long since been bankrupt... there was no one, no one I believed when they said, "you are not dying." My heart seemed to be ripping open with old wounds, bleeding with all the guck that wounds are filled with. How could I know that as my body shook with anxiety that the healing process had just begun? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I sobered up, have not taken a Motha F'n drink in TWO YEARS FOR THIS??
BULLSHIT!
"Oh, they said, you ARE getting better!" ... Of course, they were right but it didn't matter because I did not believe any of them... surely, if they knew how my skin was on too tight they would understand and allow me safe passage to booze and other oblivion... but they would not. "IF YOUR ASS FALLS OFF, JUST DON'T DRINK".... wh-wh-what?? I felt trapped because I was too scared to believe in a Loving God and too afraid not to. So, after several trips to the E.R. to assure me that my heart had not imploded... and after several wrestling matches to get some food down my throat... the demons left... one by one... Until one day I realized that sleep had come for me and food actually tasted good again!!! OH, HAPPY DAY!!!

"We" can laugh about it now, because (she) walked through this "dark night" with me--- and we remember how hopeless it seemed... but now we realize how necessary that was because it changed everything. It crushed the god of my sickness and gave birth to a new God of my understanding.... a Loving and Gentle God.

The big book says, "We are miracles of mental health"... and I am here to tell you,
they shit you not!!


"We are neither cocky or afraid. That is our experience, that is how we react as long as we keep in fit Spiritual condition"... BB of AA

GATE

It turns out
She is not the one
I want to hold hands with... or anything else.
How did you know?

You stand there so patiently...
Laughing, while hiding your fear.
Ignoring the sticks and stones,
I toss through the fence.

What else can I do
but wait
and wait...
Because that's what my heart tells me to...
until the fence becomes a gate.

RISKS AND COURAGE

THIS IS FROM THE DAIILY REFLECTIONS: "THERE IS A SOLUTION".

Walk in Dry Places

Everyday risks.... Courage
We have to take certain risks if we hope to achieve anything. Applying for a job entail a risk of reject. Saving money carries a risk of losing it. Falling in love can result in heartbreak.
We have to take such risks because life is ordered that way. We are hear to learn, and learning includes pressing into unknown situations where we could fail.
God could have created us in such a way we could either avoid risks or not unduly concerned about the. Animals, for example, live with risks but do no seem to worry about them.
We must accept risk as part of God's plan for us. We also are given tools for working with uncertainties. We have our innate intelligence and a capacity for prudent, reasoned action. We have friends who will help us. Above all, we have our Higher Power, who guides and directs
us through all sorts of risky conditions.
I cannot face life without also facing uncertainties. Today I'll accept risk as a part of ordinary living.

I don't like taking risks as much as I did when younger... risks remind me that the outcome desired may not be what I'm given... but if I don't risk, then I don't grow.
Its just that simple... and if I believe in God and God's desire for my best self... then it takes the pressure off of what I deem to be "FAILURE"... whew!! :)

d.