"Today was a sad day. It wasn't a harsh sadness... it was a sorrowing presence hovering around me, urging me to deeper living.
Noontime came and I felt drawn to retire quietly to my room for a few moments of prayer.... when I came to the Psalm line "I am a pilgrim on Earth" (Ps 119:19) tears began welling up in my eyes. I felt overcome with grief.... My monastic profession with its call to become a brand new person in Christ and the invitation to let the old shell of myself crumble away stood before me with pleading eyes.
Then as quickly as the intense grief had come, it was suddenly gone.... I saw before me so much potential for my life, so much possibility.
I understand now that it can be a good prayer to weep over the person you have refused to become. Jesus did it for us when he wept over Jerusalem, but there's nothing like feeling the salt on your own face. Yet while you are weeping it is imperative that you remember the seed of eternal life that is yours, even if you have not yet become all you can be.
.....I have no doubt that my sorrowing heart is a gift from God. As I pray with 'The Cloud of the Unknowing' these words are given to me: "It is not what you are nor what you have been that God sees with His all merciful eyes, but what you desire to be".
Yearning for God is not safe if you want to stay as you are. If you yearn for God a sacred presence will begin to fill you. It will hover over you, nudging you to a new and eternal life, with a haunting presence, that is both terrible and beautiful.
With all merciful eyes, God sees what I desire to be. And though I ache because of the person I've refused to be, I also rejoice because of the person I long to be. I know that my yearning has reached heaven".
This meditation is more like a Spiritual meal... food for my hungry heart. For too often I have starved myself of the potential before me.... Sometimes because of stubbornness; other times because of shame. But God does NOT see me the way, I see myself. . .(Thank Goodness) Furthermore, God has been Faithful to those who in spite of all limitations seek Him and even those who don't.... And as I embrace this invitation, I can totally abandon myself to that Faithfulness. A Grace none, too cheap!