Monday, July 27, 2009

"God- as we understood Him..."

Feeling rather morose at supper time, I knew to do the very thing I did not want to do... go pick up a sandwich and go to a meeting... it beats eating alone but it also puts me in an environment where I can see my Higher Power in action... and that is always a good thing!

I unwrapped my tuna fish, spinach salad, to the dismay of my steak n potato friends, who by now have come to love me, no matter what crazy shit I come up with... Then a van pulled up and we got a whole bunch of young people, very young, that were in a nearby rehab facility. I lit up to see them straggling in, some a bit unsure and others just bursting at the seams with energy. ( too much coffee has its perks)
The meeting was on step 3 and some good things were said regarding Faith... tall, strapping young men pleaded with the rest of us... "how do I let go? how do I trust this power?" ... I put my sandwich down and swallowed hard... how, indeed??? For none of us know "HOW" it's done, only that we do it over and over, again and again ... and somehow, someway there is movement from where we were to where we are... it's really quite amazing to see first hand. I myself, rarely could when the leaps of progress had been made regarding my life... for Life always has "something" that is fertilizing us ... prompting new growth. However, progress is best seen in others, Oh Joy!!!! It's not that most of us come into the rooms not believing in a Higher Power, most of us do. It's that most of us felt HP had done us wrong, or worse... we had done HP and His people wrong... we just could not fit our self-centered selves into what appeared to be members only cheap seats. And then to hit this wall... called, Faith. "Faith in what they ask?" We smile and say, "that is your business, not ours." And they kick and curse and cry, when they hit that wall, and we say to them, "You are free to choose your Higher Power, what do you need?... love? mercy? joy? peace?... Yes, YOU can have that God as your very own, you see it does not matter who you say God is... because God is. It's only important that you trust that God and know you ain't Him."

The last thing we say is "Faith without actions is dead." ... But "First Things First... Keep Coming Back!!!"

And as I climb into my truck to drive home to my lil apt. and kitties... I thank God for allowing me to be there, so that I could along side my friends, point them towards the only direction in Life that's worth holding on to... A God of their own... understanding.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Grace, None Too Cheap

"Today was a sad day. It wasn't a harsh sadness... it was a sorrowing presence hovering around me, urging me to deeper living.
Noontime came and I felt drawn to retire quietly to my room for a few moments of prayer.... when I came to the Psalm line "I am a pilgrim on Earth" (Ps 119:19) tears began welling up in my eyes. I felt overcome with grief.... My monastic profession with its call to become a brand new person in Christ and the invitation to let the old shell of myself crumble away stood before me with pleading eyes.
Then as quickly as the intense grief had come, it was suddenly gone.... I saw before me so much potential for my life, so much possibility.
I understand now that it can be a good prayer to weep over the person you have refused to become. Jesus did it for us when he wept over Jerusalem, but there's nothing like feeling the salt on your own face. Yet while you are weeping it is imperative that you remember the seed of eternal life that is yours, even if you have not yet become all you can be.
.....I have no doubt that my sorrowing heart is a gift from God. As I pray with 'The Cloud of the Unknowing' these words are given to me:
"It is not what you are nor what you have been that God sees with His all merciful eyes, but what you desire to be".
Yearning for God is not safe if you want to stay as you are. If you yearn for God a sacred presence will begin to fill you. It will hover over you, nudging you to a new and eternal life, with a haunting presence, that is both terrible and beautiful.
With all merciful eyes, God sees what I desire to be. And though I ache because of the person I've refused to be, I also rejoice because of the person I long to be. I know that my yearning has reached heaven".
--Macrina Wiederkehr

This meditation is more like a Spiritual meal... food for my hungry heart. For too often I have starved myself of the potential before me.... Sometimes because of stubbornness; other times because of shame. But God does NOT see me the way, I see myself. . .(Thank Goodness) Furthermore, God has been Faithful to those who in spite of all limitations seek Him and even those who don't.... And as I embrace this invitation, I can totally abandon myself to that Faithfulness. A Grace none, too cheap!


Saturday, July 4, 2009

Today and its path...

Along the way of Life, I have met some remarkable people. People who knew from birth what they were destined to do and be... those people absolutely ASTOUND me. They are inspirational and I find myself attracted to some of them, 'who know who they are'. It would be an under statement of the century to say I was not born "one of those people". After years of chasing what I might become in terms of employment and status and accumulation... I got extremely bored and tired and burnt out. I think this happens when there in no real vision for ones life beyond what is told it should be... and did I mention boredom? Boredom is a slippery slope for people like me, in that it reinforces my lack of discipline.

So... where am I going with all this? Who the hell knows! However, I do believe there are things that I am responsible for no matter if I figure out or not what I want to be when I grow up. It just seems to be a complete waste of energy to be mad about it anymore. God has never wanted to keep me from my dreams... but perhaps has allowed me to feel lost, so that I may find them, again and again... as too often I look away from today and the choices that I have before me.

Today, that's it... that is what I have and what I choose today will probably affect my tomorrow but--- tsk, tsk, tsk. Keep your eye's on the road before you, Delizza. Remember what 'binge thinker's like ole' Rob or Kat might say, " If you have one foot stuck in the past -and one foot in the future... you are in a perfect position to crap on today".

Those wise bastards. ;-)