Easier Said than ...

It occurs to me that... if I were not so aware of my limitations (and they are many) and if I had nothing to work on,.... I'd be a royal bitch! Uppity and convinced that if YOU would do things my way or view the world as I do... YOU would be on the right path. Collective cyber LOL

See, today I recognize that as insane and at the very least without compassion. The part that I still struggle with is praying for others who would harm me or the ones I love.
But Jesus was not vague when He instructed us to, "Pray for our enemies"( and neither was my Sponsor!!) "Oh, sounds like you need to add someone to your prayer list." ARGH!!! I could not even "HEAR" that for the first 5 yrs of my Recovery but when I got desperate enough, I took Jesus and my Sponsors instruction.... and the darnedest thing happened, little by little, I loathed 'em less and less, till one day it was just NO BIG DEAL. I still did not want to have" hug fests" with these folks but they no longer occcupied my heart and mind with the toxicity which flowed over different areas of my life. As long as I look at my part and pray for their "happiness, health and love" that I wish for my loved ones, peace is restored.

Again the Paradoxes of "doing unto others"... it just sets us free. So if anyone or anything is binding your joy, pray for them--- do not worry about meaning it, just do it. It is Spirituality at its simplest and most diffficult .... but do it anyway. It really works, if you work it. Sound familiar? ;--)

Neither Cocky nor Araid

Those who know me, know that traditionally summer is a very difficult time for me. I could give a laundry list of "life changing events" that have happened over various summers...... but I'll spare ya. Suffice it to say, I have learned to take extra care of myself by doing the things that I know will keep me safe.

What is important to note, is I sobered up one summer about 17 years ago. (I only claim 16 yrs due to a marijuana incident.)

Two years after I quit drinking, that summer, all of my emotional world collapsed. I could not eat or sleep... I was besieged by an onslaught of fear, from every corner of my mind. My Sponsor was in Europe that summer, and since my "trust" account had long since been bankrupt... there was no one, no one I believed when they said, "you are not dying." My heart seemed to be ripping open with old wounds, bleeding with all the guck that wounds are filled with. How could I know that as my body shook with anxiety that the healing process had just begun? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I sobered up, have not taken a Motha F'n drink in TWO YEARS FOR THIS??
BULLSHIT!
"Oh, they said, you ARE getting better!" ... Of course, they were right but it didn't matter because I did not believe any of them... surely, if they knew how my skin was on too tight they would understand and allow me safe passage to booze and other oblivion... but they would not. "IF YOUR ASS FALLS OFF, JUST DON'T DRINK".... wh-wh-what?? I felt trapped because I was too scared to believe in a Loving God and too afraid not to. So, after several trips to the E.R. to assure me that my heart had not imploded... and after several wrestling matches to get some food down my throat... the demons left... one by one... Until one day I realized that sleep had come for me and food actually tasted good again!!! OH, HAPPY DAY!!!

"We" can laugh about it now, because (she) walked through this "dark night" with me--- and we remember how hopeless it seemed... but now we realize how necessary that was because it changed everything. It crushed the god of my sickness and gave birth to a new God of my understanding.... a Loving and Gentle God.

The big book says, "We are miracles of mental health"... and I am here to tell you,
they shit you not!!


"We are neither cocky or afraid. That is our experience, that is how we react as long as we keep in fit Spiritual condition"... BB of AA

GATE

It turns out
She is not the one
I want to hold hands with... or anything else.
How did you know?

You stand there so patiently...
Laughing, while hiding your fear.
Ignoring the sticks and stones,
I toss through the fence.

What else can I do
but wait
and wait...
Because that's what my heart tells me to...
until the fence becomes a gate.

RISKS AND COURAGE

THIS IS FROM THE DAIILY REFLECTIONS: "THERE IS A SOLUTION".

Walk in Dry Places

Everyday risks.... Courage
We have to take certain risks if we hope to achieve anything. Applying for a job entail a risk of reject. Saving money carries a risk of losing it. Falling in love can result in heartbreak.
We have to take such risks because life is ordered that way. We are hear to learn, and learning includes pressing into unknown situations where we could fail.
God could have created us in such a way we could either avoid risks or not unduly concerned about the. Animals, for example, live with risks but do no seem to worry about them.
We must accept risk as part of God's plan for us. We also are given tools for working with uncertainties. We have our innate intelligence and a capacity for prudent, reasoned action. We have friends who will help us. Above all, we have our Higher Power, who guides and directs
us through all sorts of risky conditions.
I cannot face life without also facing uncertainties. Today I'll accept risk as a part of ordinary living.

I don't like taking risks as much as I did when younger... risks remind me that the outcome desired may not be what I'm given... but if I don't risk, then I don't grow.
Its just that simple... and if I believe in God and God's desire for my best self... then it takes the pressure off of what I deem to be "FAILURE"... whew!! :)

d.

Archbishop comes OUT!

Catholic Archbishop comes out as gay & questions the hierarchy's teachings on homosexuality.

In an article by Laurie Goodstein published Thursday, May 14th in the New York Times newspaper Archbishop Rembert Weakland is quoted as follows:

“If we say our God is an all-loving god,” he said, “how do you explain that at any given time probably 400 million living on the planet at one time would be gay? Are the religions of the world, as does Catholicism, saying to those hundreds of millions of people, you have to pass your whole life without any physical, genital expression of that love?”
He said he had been aware of his homosexual orientation since he was a teenager and suppressed it until he became archbishop, when he had relationships with several men because of “loneliness that became very strong.”
Archbishop Weakland, 82, said he was probably the first bishop to come out of the closet voluntarily. He said he was doing so not to excuse his actions but to give an honest account of why it happened and to raise questions about the church’s teaching that homosexuality is “objectively disordered.”
“Those are bad words because they are pejorative,” he said.

Wow! It takes courage at any age or in any position of life... but this is epic! How I would LovE to throw my arms around him and thank him for standing up to the cold rule of hypocrites. Indeed this sweet old man is closer to God than any of us who would judge him. 22, 52 or 82 ... its all good timing. Now, we don't get right with God by coming out, we get right with ourselves and our community at large when we say, "God is our God, who makes no mistakes... when Love is the gift that we Live.... not in secret and not in shame."


delizza
happy joyous and free

Spain 2009 (part 2)

We arrived in Madrid April 15th.... It was chilly and my teeth were still sore from the surgery. As we unpacked I looked around and sighed. Spain at last. Madrid was very busy and fast paced. The city was beautiful in its own way but not a place that felt warm or inviting. The best part for me was the Museo de Prado. The art there was incredible. It was hard to wrap my finite artistic perception around these Old, Old pieces of Masters like Goya, El Grecko, Picasso and many others... yet there they were like visual stories hanging for our eyes to feed and digest what we could. There was very little talking, much like the reverent feeling one has when in a Church or maybe even a funeral home... a collective shhhhhh prevailed, not withstanding the occasional flash of a camera which was not allowed.

Avila was our next stop. It was very cold and rainy but I joked that it was for full effect of my pilgrimage to see St Teresa d' Avila. She being after all, an austere woman whom I have loved since I first read about her around 1987. She reminds me that this Life for all its goodness is fleeting... much like the pellets of hail that fell on me as I entered the Convent where she first lived. The streets were cobble stone and the buildings in tact, were 15th century. A feeling of intense littleness came over me... I can not explain.

Then we made our way to Sevilla, where the food tasted better. The sound of the Flamenco singers and dancing on the street captured me.... for about 20 minutes. Everyone in Sevilla looked beautiful, men, women, children. They smiled as if to say, "we are beautiful"... it was more than confidence but not arrogance. I in my jeans, and ball cap, felt happy to just walk amongst them for those 2 days.

In Sevilla we rented a car to drive down to Malaga, the southern coast of Spain. We arrived and ate at a place on the beach. We had no idea that it was not the Malaga we were booked to stay at. Malaga de Ronda was where we were booked.... and that was quite a ways off. We had no idea we took the "path less traveled" as we drove round and round, up a steep mountain to get to our hotel... my Priest friend had choice Spanish expletives, and I frantic that the godddamn road had exceeded my patience and faith.... that we would not survive this leg of our journey! However, once we were there we laughed at each other and ourselves... the view from our hotel was nothing short of spectacular. Isn't that how Life often is?? We take the long road or the wrong path and get frightened and frustrated... only to find that it has brought us to this place. This wonderful place in this point of time. This is an astonishing surprise for two reasons; 1. because you overcame the hardship of that winding fear and 2. because you have no idea how amazing the view is once you get there... again, words fail here...

Then we drove to Granada. So many people there were very old tourists... inching their way to see the 11th century mosques at La Alhambra. I at this point was extremely exhausted and took pictures of everything... and ate too much. I people watched and picked up rocks and stuffed them in my pockets. I closed my eyes and imagined people walking on these grounds 500 hundred years ago....Holy with History.... and then, I blend in with the backdrop of the purple plum trees and red rocks. I breathed in and out and etched that moment forever...

By the time we reached Toledo... I didn't give a crap. I was so tired, too tired and I can't even stand myself when I'm that bitchy. I walked around the hotel court yard and that was the extent of my tour of Toledo.... I slept most of that afternoon.

Finally we made it back to Madrid and caught our flight back home. A friend of mine asked if I had caught "wander lust" and wished to return there soon?... I'd have to say "no". I prayed to my ancestors while there... and touched the ground Teresa d' Avila walked. My dreams regarding Spain have been sanctified.

D.

Spain 2009 (part 1)

It seems so long since I've blogged.... that I don't know where to start but I will fumble through and see where it goes.

April 8th I had oral surgery and had 2 teeth pulled... my nerves were shot and I thought, "I am NOT going to make our scheduled trip to Spain April 14th.' My face broke out in fever blisters, a BIG sign that I'm over stressed... I worried and thought this was a sign not to go. A friend of mine, who just happens to be Pastor, (don't hold that against her) reminded me not so long ago that God is not as culpable as one seems to think. What was really at play here--- was a host of fears manifesting in my predicament. The nagging thoughts like, "who are YOU to realize a life long dream? What have you done lately that deserves to make this expense? The money you have is best saved because ..." and that rap went on and on in my brain. Another good friend, who happens to be my ex, but doesn't hold that against me:) said, "Del, why the hell NOT go!! You really deserve this..." and with that plus other votes of GO, GO, GO!! I mustered up that proverbial "seed" and prayed it would turn out as God meant it for me... even if that meant crashing into the Atlantic Ocean, or developing gum disease and in hellish pain in another country..." I am happy to say, that none of these scarey things were Diosita's will for me. Now on to the trip...

eeps, a friend from the Rio Grande Valley just called and is in the area. . . gonna log off and finish up later... I hate long blah, blah, blogs! Don't You???


Delighted to be blogging again!

Delizza