"God- as we understood Him..."

Feeling rather morose at supper time, I knew to do the very thing I did not want to do... go pick up a sandwich and go to a meeting... it beats eating alone but it also puts me in an environment where I can see my Higher Power in action... and that is always a good thing!

I unwrapped my tuna fish, spinach salad, to the dismay of my steak n potato friends, who by now have come to love me, no matter what crazy shit I come up with... Then a van pulled up and we got a whole bunch of young people, very young, that were in a nearby rehab facility. I lit up to see them straggling in, some a bit unsure and others just bursting at the seams with energy. ( too much coffee has its perks)
The meeting was on step 3 and some good things were said regarding Faith... tall, strapping young men pleaded with the rest of us... "how do I let go? how do I trust this power?" ... I put my sandwich down and swallowed hard... how, indeed??? For none of us know "HOW" it's done, only that we do it over and over, again and again ... and somehow, someway there is movement from where we were to where we are... it's really quite amazing to see first hand. I myself, rarely could when the leaps of progress had been made regarding my life... for Life always has "something" that is fertilizing us ... prompting new growth. However, progress is best seen in others, Oh Joy!!!! It's not that most of us come into the rooms not believing in a Higher Power, most of us do. It's that most of us felt HP had done us wrong, or worse... we had done HP and His people wrong... we just could not fit our self-centered selves into what appeared to be members only cheap seats. And then to hit this wall... called, Faith. "Faith in what they ask?" We smile and say, "that is your business, not ours." And they kick and curse and cry, when they hit that wall, and we say to them, "You are free to choose your Higher Power, what do you need?... love? mercy? joy? peace?... Yes, YOU can have that God as your very own, you see it does not matter who you say God is... because God is. It's only important that you trust that God and know you ain't Him."

The last thing we say is "Faith without actions is dead." ... But "First Things First... Keep Coming Back!!!"

And as I climb into my truck to drive home to my lil apt. and kitties... I thank God for allowing me to be there, so that I could along side my friends, point them towards the only direction in Life that's worth holding on to... A God of their own... understanding.

Grace, None Too Cheap

"Today was a sad day. It wasn't a harsh sadness... it was a sorrowing presence hovering around me, urging me to deeper living.
Noontime came and I felt drawn to retire quietly to my room for a few moments of prayer.... when I came to the Psalm line "I am a pilgrim on Earth" (Ps 119:19) tears began welling up in my eyes. I felt overcome with grief.... My monastic profession with its call to become a brand new person in Christ and the invitation to let the old shell of myself crumble away stood before me with pleading eyes.
Then as quickly as the intense grief had come, it was suddenly gone.... I saw before me so much potential for my life, so much possibility.
I understand now that it can be a good prayer to weep over the person you have refused to become. Jesus did it for us when he wept over Jerusalem, but there's nothing like feeling the salt on your own face. Yet while you are weeping it is imperative that you remember the seed of eternal life that is yours, even if you have not yet become all you can be.
.....I have no doubt that my sorrowing heart is a gift from God. As I pray with 'The Cloud of the Unknowing' these words are given to me: "It is not what you are nor what you have been that God sees with His all merciful eyes, but what you desire to be".
Yearning for God is not safe if you want to stay as you are. If you yearn for God a sacred presence will begin to fill you. It will hover over you, nudging you to a new and eternal life, with a haunting presence, that is both terrible and beautiful.
With all merciful eyes, God sees what I desire to be. And though I ache because of the person I've refused to be, I also rejoice because of the person I long to be. I know that my yearning has reached heaven".
--Macrina Wiederkehr


This meditation is more like a Spiritual meal... food for my hungry heart. For too often I have starved myself of the potential before me.... Sometimes because of stubbornness; other times because of shame. But God does NOT see me the way, I see myself. . .(Thank Goodness) Furthermore, God has been Faithful to those who in spite of all limitations seek Him and even those who don't.... And as I embrace this invitation, I can totally abandon myself to that Faithfulness. A Grace none, too cheap!

Delizza

Today and its path...

Along the way of Life, I have met some remarkable people. People who knew from birth what they were destined to do and be... those people absolutely ASTOUND me. They are inspirational and I find myself attracted to some of them, 'who know who they are'. It would be an under statement of the century to say I was not born "one of those people". After years of chasing what I might become in terms of employment and status and accumulation... I got extremely bored and tired and burnt out. I think this happens when there in no real vision for ones life beyond what is told it should be... and did I mention boredom? Boredom is a slippery slope for people like me, in that it reinforces my lack of discipline.

So... where am I going with all this? Who the hell knows! However, I do believe there are things that I am responsible for no matter if I figure out or not what I want to be when I grow up. It just seems to be a complete waste of energy to be mad about it anymore. God has never wanted to keep me from my dreams... but perhaps has allowed me to feel lost, so that I may find them, again and again... as too often I look away from today and the choices that I have before me.

Today, that's it... that is what I have and what I choose today will probably affect my tomorrow but--- tsk, tsk, tsk. Keep your eye's on the road before you, Delizza. Remember what 'binge thinker's like ole' Rob or Kat might say, " If you have one foot stuck in the past -and one foot in the future... you are in a perfect position to crap on today".

Those wise bastards. ;-)

The Desert

When it gets so hot outside that I do not want to move.... when my energy is dried up and The "Noon day demon" casts its shadow over the entire day, I do not lose hope.

I can feel the blazing heat and KNOW, it will not burn me up... looking into the Sunlight with guarded eyes, my sight is brilliant.

The desert brings up memories that are like prickly branches rubbing from
Within my mind and body... memories of loss;
A pruning of my Soul and not without the ache.

The sun burns off hidden delusions of grandeur.
I am next to nothing in the desert....
But am not dead...

Hope soothes me
Faith Keeps me.... fed.

“All sunshine makes the desert” --Arabian proverb

Facing Ourselves

Daily Reflections

RELEASE FROM FEAR

The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall
have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible
for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the
courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever
fears remain.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 61




Fear is part of the human experience but the choices we have surrounding them are Face Everything And Recover or Fuck Everything And Run ... but to remember that mostly it is False Events Appearing Real. I've used all 3 of these acronyms in the course of Recovery.... and its o.k. Today progress is what works, perfection never will. ... this is but a taste of the delicious life I've been given!

Easier Said than ...

It occurs to me that... if I were not so aware of my limitations (and they are many) and if I had nothing to work on,.... I'd be a royal bitch! Uppity and convinced that if YOU would do things my way or view the world as I do... YOU would be on the right path. Collective cyber LOL

See, today I recognize that as insane and at the very least without compassion. The part that I still struggle with is praying for others who would harm me or the ones I love.
But Jesus was not vague when He instructed us to, "Pray for our enemies"( and neither was my Sponsor!!) "Oh, sounds like you need to add someone to your prayer list." ARGH!!! I could not even "HEAR" that for the first 5 yrs of my Recovery but when I got desperate enough, I took Jesus and my Sponsors instruction.... and the darnedest thing happened, little by little, I loathed 'em less and less, till one day it was just NO BIG DEAL. I still did not want to have" hug fests" with these folks but they no longer occcupied my heart and mind with the toxicity which flowed over different areas of my life. As long as I look at my part and pray for their "happiness, health and love" that I wish for my loved ones, peace is restored.

Again the Paradoxes of "doing unto others"... it just sets us free. So if anyone or anything is binding your joy, pray for them--- do not worry about meaning it, just do it. It is Spirituality at its simplest and most diffficult .... but do it anyway. It really works, if you work it. Sound familiar? ;--)

Neither Cocky nor Araid

Those who know me, know that traditionally summer is a very difficult time for me. I could give a laundry list of "life changing events" that have happened over various summers...... but I'll spare ya. Suffice it to say, I have learned to take extra care of myself by doing the things that I know will keep me safe.

What is important to note, is I sobered up one summer about 17 years ago. (I only claim 16 yrs due to a marijuana incident.)

Two years after I quit drinking, that summer, all of my emotional world collapsed. I could not eat or sleep... I was besieged by an onslaught of fear, from every corner of my mind. My Sponsor was in Europe that summer, and since my "trust" account had long since been bankrupt... there was no one, no one I believed when they said, "you are not dying." My heart seemed to be ripping open with old wounds, bleeding with all the guck that wounds are filled with. How could I know that as my body shook with anxiety that the healing process had just begun? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I sobered up, have not taken a Motha F'n drink in TWO YEARS FOR THIS??
BULLSHIT!
"Oh, they said, you ARE getting better!" ... Of course, they were right but it didn't matter because I did not believe any of them... surely, if they knew how my skin was on too tight they would understand and allow me safe passage to booze and other oblivion... but they would not. "IF YOUR ASS FALLS OFF, JUST DON'T DRINK".... wh-wh-what?? I felt trapped because I was too scared to believe in a Loving God and too afraid not to. So, after several trips to the E.R. to assure me that my heart had not imploded... and after several wrestling matches to get some food down my throat... the demons left... one by one... Until one day I realized that sleep had come for me and food actually tasted good again!!! OH, HAPPY DAY!!!

"We" can laugh about it now, because (she) walked through this "dark night" with me--- and we remember how hopeless it seemed... but now we realize how necessary that was because it changed everything. It crushed the god of my sickness and gave birth to a new God of my understanding.... a Loving and Gentle God.

The big book says, "We are miracles of mental health"... and I am here to tell you,
they shit you not!!


"We are neither cocky or afraid. That is our experience, that is how we react as long as we keep in fit Spiritual condition"... BB of AA